TW: eating disorder (ED) discussed
Does anyone else feel a sense of grief when finishing a book?
This was one of the most significant & powerful books I’ve read in years.
It was a rollercoaster of emotions reading. It was triggering, painful, intense, hopeful, and hugely worthwhile reading.
I felt my own experience & many others echoed in her journey & although the roots of Evvanes eating disorder differ from my own (as everyone’s experience is unique) there were MANY parallels.
The most profound takeaways for me:
1. Can you imagine if people living with eating disorders could RE-CHANNEL ALL THE ENERGY/discipline and STRENGTH it takes to maintain an ED into other things like creative projects or healing?!
2. A treatment/medical system that focuses on stripping someone’s coping mechanisms (managing their food/body/exercise) without supporting and healing the underlying root cause, I believe is unsustainable for recovery & is set up to fail.
It can encourage people to lean further into the illness, hold shame, resist treatment, to feel misunderstood, to disassociate with their bodies, to relapse almost immediately, to identify as a label or a diagnosis rather than recognising that we are multi-faceted beings…that are sooo much more than the ED, to think that FOOD is the problem; to think that once their weight has been restored that all the pain they feel inside will DISSIPATE, & when it doesn’t they feel responsible….
People living with ED are strong, not weak. It’s not brave to enter recovery. You are internally enough, you are not broken.
Blether before I finished the book...
I am slowly finishing the book Evanna Lynch. It has been a gift whilst also being painful and emotionally draining...
A few days ago I was listening to a podcast with her, where the interviewer shared that the book will be inspiring for many. Vilius asked if I was inspired and I responded very defensively. I didn’t feel inspired at that point, I was deeply triggered and experienced a deep crossover of my own experiences and the experiences she was describing. My own feelings and experiences were bubbling up to the surface. It was painful. I felt seen and understood, at the same time, I felt deep sadness for myself and anyone else who experienced such a difficult illness.
He checked in again a few times asking and I responded saying inspired was not the emotion I felt even though her book was having a significant impact on me.
Now nearing the end, I am surprised at my feelings. I read the most profound thing in the book today. Having an eating disorder takes a profound amount of energy, discipline, focus, dedication, and hard work. It’s just channelled in very self-destructive and painful thoughts and behavior patterns. If people experiencing eating disorders, which includes me, could channel that intense energy into something productive, creative and healthy, what would happen? We, in the ED community, like any other humans, are strong, disciplined, powerful, sensitive, attuned, and fiercely creative. If our energy was channelled into something that would benefit us, wow would we be flying?
This idea and the fact I guess is game-changing for me. It almost removes all the guilt and shame I’ve been carrying around about my ED. I’ve been conditioned to believe that EDs are weak and recovery is brave and takes strength. I’ve thought time and time again about how weak I was for falling into that. How embarrassing it was to have a deep need to control my food, exercise, body, and environment. I was channelling so much energy. It took so so so much work to keep up an ED. It took time and effort hour by hour day by day to do routines, promising I was fine, and figuring out new ways to convince myself and others that I had everything under control. That I was totally fine.
I was always aware being so in the depths of ED that it was zapping my energy and the energy of so many people across the world. Being consumed by toxic diet culture, body image and exercise is draining even without the overwhelming experience of living with an ED. But I never switched it in my mind to see that it was a strength, of course, it was a very destructive time but knowing that I have that power within me to channel into something else is so so so empowering and I will be reminding myself of this on the daily.
I’m very grateful for this book and feel a sense of grief as it comes to the end!
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