Yesterday I shared my orthorexia/disordered eating journey with my counselor...
I was surprised that I ended by sharing that I am so grateful for the horrendous experiences and for recovery. I am grateful for many reasons: for the self-compassion, I developed, for the empathy I developed for others, and most importantly because so many people who experience an eating disorder do not recover.
Everyone’s relationship to addiction and recovery looks different. I think of it as an addiction because my experience relates heavily to Gabor Maté’s description of addiction “An addiction is any behavior, substance-related or not, that an individual pursues because they find pleasure, relief, or they crave it temporarily, so they pursue the pleasure and relief despite negative consequences.”.
“It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds”
I used running and orthorexia as coping mechanisms for life. To suppress emotions and internal angst. To deal with the world. To deal with past experiences. To feel ok.
For me, recovery happened when I accepted and acknowledged that I was struggling. That was the catalyst for healing and understanding the cause.
Before I go on, I think it's really important to share that there is still real stigma and deep-rooted misunderstandings surrounding eating disorders. It is important to highlight as STIGMA leads to SHAME and SHAME prevents people from opening up about their experiences and seeking recovery.
People often think that eating disorders are a symptom of diet culture and the perpetuating idealistic body images portrayed in the media. It is thought that people aspiring to look a certain way develop eating disorders. This could be a factor and diet culture is definitely toxic & creates awful unhealthy relationships with our bodies. However, the major cause from my understanding and experience is a deep need for a sense of control and numbness to overwhelming emotions.
The journey of recovery is tough. It’s full of regression, uncomfortable feelings, and anxiety….
Now, I’m in a place where my body weight has been restored, I have a menstrual cycle!!!! I can enjoy meals with PEOPLE, food anxiety does not consume my brain, I run for joy instead of a NEED. I can be present and focused sooo many other things.
Similarly to Jameela Jamil, I practice body neutrality. I am deeply grateful that I have a body that allows me to experience life. I don’t have a LOVE for my body yet…However, I am soooo GRATEFUL for everything it allows me to do. I am so thankful that I am now in a place of recovery and healing and I’m soo happy that I have the opportunity to support others through their journey.
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